kasumin: monado loading (monado: reading...)
[personal profile] kasumin
I wasn't apologizing in an earlier post because I'm worried about sounding cool or not. It's just that I know how most people who aren't depressed react to those who are having a really rough time. It's too much. It's too intense.

My f-list is full of people who are self-respecting adults who have, in some sense or another, made some progress in their lives. At the age of 28, I feel just as confused and lost as I did when I started my first job after graduating college. I thought I'd grown from that. I thought I'd learned from those experiences. Yet here I am in another situation that's all too similar to back then. Where I feel like I'm just barely treading water. So clearly, I haven't learned anything...

For me, adulthood has been nothing but a sequence of harsh disappointments followed by a brief reprieve followed by more disappointments. I've always had this sense that I just can't handle being an adult. That I won't live past 30 because with each year I get older, things just feel more overwhelming, more difficult to handle.

I've been in therapy pretty consistently for the past 5 years. I thought I'd made actual progress, even if it was just a little. But now I feel as if that was all an illusion. I can only function when everything goes my way. The second that stops being the case, I fall apart. That's no way to live life. That's no way to be an adult.

Four years ago I was diagnosed with dysthymia, which pretty much means constant, chronic low-grade depression. I've generally been okay at managing it without medicine (which apparently isn't very effective for dysthymia). But I guess I should've known the stress of a PhD was too much for it. Now I'm pretty much going through what's called "double depression" - a major depressive episode laid on top of an already consistently low mood.

Lately it's been hard to get out of bed, even. I feel so ashamed I don't want to face anyone. I don't want anyone to see how much of a failure I am. I feel like the word "failure" is written all over me in bright red. Same goes for dreamwidth, where I'm pretty much disclosing how much I fail as an adult to people on the internet.

I don't feel like I've gotten stronger from the difficult situations I've faced as an adult. I feel like each experience just weakens me a bit more. To the point that I start fearing change. Because with change comes new situations I can't handle. And that's the thing, I can't handle anything. While I don't think my decision to leave the job I liked in DC was wrong, I still wonder if it would've been better to just stay there in a situation I was comfortable with. Because clearly, I can't handle much else. I don't know how I'm going to continue living as an adult if I'm this weak and this terrible at dealing with any mildly difficult situation life throws at me.

I've always known my wings were made of wax, yet I still tried flying too close to the sun. *sigh*

The whole getting disappointed over Tales of Xillia 2 thing was just icing on the cake, really. As embarrassing as it is to admit, reading and writing fanfic for that fandom gave me a sense of purpose and something to do to take my mind off of things. I felt like I was part of something, even though I just followed a few people on tumblr and otherwise didn't engage in fandom much. I kept taking steps back the more fandom disappointed me over the years. But even that wasn't enough, in the end. I find myself wondering what I've been doing over the past year. Obsessing over some game that eventually disappointed me. So now I just feel stupid over that, too.

No one realizes just how much fangirling that game meant to me. As silly as it sounds, it was a major part of my life. That's not healthy, sure, but reading and working on fic got me through some rough times working on papers over the past two semesters. With that gone I've got... nothing.

It's too much. Too much disappointment. I just can't handle all of it anymore. I've made too many bad decisions and I've lost one of my major coping mechanisms.

Even the few times I've pulled myself up, the effect has only been temporary. For me, keeping my mood up is like fighting gravity. Eventually everything just comes crashing down again. Nothing I ever do is good enough. Nothing I ever do is enough to make me not feel like shit.

Closing this journal again. I have a journal I can write in irl anyway. Less shame there. And less compulsion to compare myself to others (which I know I'm not supposed to do, but come on, let's be realistic here).
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kasumin: monado loading (Default)

October 2014

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